Friday, April 11-- The Blues (Warning: Kind of a serious post)

"April is the cruelest month"
- T. S. Eliot, The Wasteland

This is a bad time of year for me. The first sting is April 12. It’s the anniversary of my friend Ryan’s suicide. He lived in Milwaukee and sometimes it’s easy for me to forget and think that he’s still up there. This time of year, I really can’t forget. It still makes me so sad that I wasn’t able to be there for him at a bad time in his life when he was there for me during the worst time of my life. I think of him often especially when there’s anything related to Elvis, Jamesons Irish whiskey and real darts. When I was so profoundly lonely, I knew I was always invited to the playhouse where Ryan and his boys would be there. We’d watch the SNL “The H is O” skit, listen to Johnny Cash, do a car bomb and then wind up playing darts at Wolski’s. There are no words to how much that helped me get through starting my new life. I’m sorry and I miss you.
Then there’s my divorce. April 17 is the anniversary of my divorce. My divor-sary, if you will (I got that of “West Wing” years ago). I’d like to think that I’m over it, but I’m not sure I ever will be. Sometimes it feels very fresh. Sometimes I feel that confusion and frustration and regret all over again. Sometimes I want to go back in time and make different choices. Just sometimes. And this time of year is one of those sometimes.
Then there’s my birthday. Normally, I love my birthday. It’s actually May 1 and I love that it’s really the beginning of spring. It’s May Day! But this year I’m turning 35 and there’s a new box to check off. I’m not looking forward to it. Not one little bit. I hate when people who say that “age is just a number”. Tell that to my joints. And my ovaries. And it’s just a milestone that makes you reflect on your life—see what’s there and what’s missing. I love what’s there. I long for what’s missing. And there’s some big stuff missing. So I’m throwing a big party where I hope to have people I love around me to fend off the blues. Well, friends and lots of booze.
And let’s not forget April 15 taxes!
I’m trying to get through April. Luckily I have a lot of plans with amazing people. This weekend I’m going away w/ my friend Liz and some other friends and I think it’s going to be a blast. Next weekend, I’m going to the Cubs game with friends and a concert. The week after I’m going to the Yankee game. Then my birthday party. It’s going to be a good month with good new memories. I expect this blog will be filled with crazy pictures and stories and adventures. But it’s in the quiet times that I get down. Luckily there are lots of loud ones that get me through.